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Category Archives: on da road to matrimony

as the steam train of matrimony goes hurtling at light speed towards its destination… i find myself cocooned in an mri machine with plenty of time to muse the goings on of the past few weeks…

with my fiance away at work, (again) the wedding planning took on that evil turn of STRESSFUL and my inner bridezilla has more than seen the light of day…

“how are you going? all the wedding plans coming along ok?” in truth I DON’T KNOW!!!!

what is it again i am supposed to be planning????!!!!!! i feel like a deer in headlights at the very mentioning of this archtypal line of questioning that i encounter almost daily now…

groom, check, date, check, location, check… invites sent. check… yup.. what else is there???

but the more people ask…the more my little hamster wheel mind spins further and further out of control until i am now able to imagine a to do list longer than the average suburban white pages!

do we need place cards? do we need bonbonieres? do we need menus? do we need programs? do we need this trinket or that. of course we don’t… but once the seed has been planted… the tree of indecision takes root and flourishes quickly!!!!

the ironic thing?? all this was happening while i wasn’t even feeling engaged or wedding-y at all!!!

how does this work?? well, you see, the lack of bridal party means thus far i have been able to bury my head in the sand of denial… in fact… i have in truth spent more time, effort and emotion planning for a good friend’s big day than my own…i have had no supportive girlies by my side to twirl and curl ribbons. i’ve had no kitchen tea planning or girls giggle nights… and while this decision was made to save the inevitable politics that follow it… and prevent the inevitable offending of this person who should or shouldnt have been asked… this decision has in fact been my greatest undoing…

thus… taking the ‘road less stressful” has costed a few more weeks of loneliness and all out insanity and nearly cost me the whole experience at all…

i was, until recently, oblivious to the great white wedding world just lurking behind every internet side ad… in fact, until last week, i really hadnt even been asked those stock standard questions much at all or been asked to consider or discuss my wedding in depth by anyone…

i mean… the real discussions… not the ones people ask to be polite… the ones, that only a fellow bride, your bridesmaids or a real close friend will be patient enough to endure…

one could almost be forgiven for thinking it wasnt really happening to me… no bridesmaids, no groom… no excitement…

but with my dear friend’s wedding now behind me… the sun suddenly shifted position in the sky…and the dawning light of day is… OH MY GOD i’m getting married… i may be down one fiance.. but damnit… i WANT to feel like the bride. i WANT people to come curl ribbons and look through endless knick knack shops with me… i want to have the full wedding experience..

my other half’s job may have “robbed” me of the engagement period… but screw it… i want to now feel the full force of the build up!!!!

so thank god for my army of loyal friends… without whom i would be lost… for when the distress call went out last week… as the steam train went hurtling into an emotional black hole with no light at the end.. it has been my girl friends who have come through and rallied round.

my girls who have shown up and endured talks about dresses, table plans and trinkets… my girls who have pulled me out of the denial bush i was hiding in and given me the courage to stand tall and say… i am the bride.

i do want the big day.

it is my turn.

but with this new found flurry of wedding planning excitement comes with it… the inevitable hurdles…

the bridezilla moments… where doubt and indecision take hold and manifest into sheer raving lunacy… the cultural hurdles that become a battlefield of unwillingly offending or insulting this person or that… the realisation that those little wedding nuances that you had always subconsciously thought just formed part of everyone’s wedding vocabulary suddenly need to be voiced as you discover a whole new language of wedding and expectation out there…

even to the point where something as simple as making a hair appointment suddenly becomes an ordeal of moral character judgment and platform for inadvertantly insulting others in the wedding language which you dont speak…

it is now.. in light of this new wedding surge of energy that i am discovering just how important that age old role of bridesmaids or in this case… the world’s most incredible, patient and supportive friends are…

but one then asks… how is it the light of day finally dawned on my inner bridezilla??

and it all comes back to clumsiness…

for if i hadn’t been attacked by the stair en route to the seamstress for my friend’s wedding.

if i hadnt been held hostage to the couch for 3 weeks due to the ever increasingly swollen foot

if i hadnt been without fiance and left for  my mind to fester and stew unchecked as i wait for the never ending foot saga to recover itself then maybe, just maybe i would have continued on with my head in the sand…

maybe i would have made it all the way to august without once thinking about the table trinkets or what type of corsages the mothers might want…

and maybe that would have all worked fine??

but 3 weeks later… foot still crippled… internet download limits maxed and brain just about at breaking point of inactivy produced insanity it occurs to me it is all these little hiccups, these little stressors that all go into making the big day..

into completing the global picture of the stressed bride..

and in fact into my own bridal dictionary…

and while the obvious hope is today’s mri will merely reveal that i will be right to walk on the big day… the fact is the whole experience has just opened my eyes to the pieces i was missing…

batton down the hatches folks… this steam train just picked it up a gear and is now bound for all out wedding overload!!!! and lets face it… secretly, thats just the way every bride likes it…

always and ever.

bridezilla.

zoooooooom.

i dont know why it happens like that.

one day… you’re trudging along haplessly living the day to day life of a mediocre existence.

the next you meet a nice guy

the day after things are going great

next week you’re engaged!!!!

 

then come all the decisions.

decisions!

I HATE DECISIONS!!!!

the only decision should be yes or now.

and lets face it.

when you meet one as wonderful as mine there isnt even a decision.

there is just a yes.

so thus, with a yes, the plans were set in motion.

of course…

step 1… reception…

 

why is it the word wedding heralds with it the exorbitence and cost associated with a 6 star hotel in the wilds of Dubai.

the word wedding means mcdonalds burgers at lobster prices…

and for a pair of earth loving children sorting their way through the zoo that is sydney, the word wedding brought with it not only cost restraints but the limitations of the sterile city and its budget alternatives.

cheap decor

limited guest list

z grade food.

sydney was not to be…

and as our search for the venue to reflect the love we wish to shine extended beyond the city walls… the stress started to show.

our relief measure? ROADTRIP!

and thus, on a mild autumn day

escaping the mounting questions beginning to pile unanswered we set saddle for dubbo andsome down time with the animals.

red dirt.

fresh air.

blue sky.

freedom.

and the perfect venue for 2 kindred souls to pledge their love for each other..

and thus the wedding planning is born…

 

flowers and cake and decorations and dress and rings and hair and make up and invites and OH MY GOD!!!! when did it all get this hard?

just ry.

just i.

just we do and a sunset to sail into…

the coming weeks are sure to test us…

as we go from the blissful bubble dream to the reality of lists and deposits…

but since when was the road to happiness ever without speed bumps?

have the adventure is getting there after all

 

let the planning begin.

always and ever.

l.

 

so the panics continue as the overwhelming list of to do tasks starts to build and snowball into the impending avalanche and one still finds ones self in that numb phase of “is this all real”??

and is it?? yes, yes it is…

and how did it happen? well, there is a tale of it’s own… one that reflects who truly naive i am and how somewhere in this lifetime my girl gene must have got broken..as somehow i escaped the ability to recieve a proposal with class and decorum…and most certainly i had NO idea about what i possibly want for the big day. like seriously. none.

so the questions already firing away from every camp of where, when, colour and theme?? my response is… well, usually outwardly a blank stare.. inwardly??? a bloodied scene from a WW2 movie with schrapnel flying and limbs exploding in a twisted black and white wreckage of confusion, panic and utter fear!

but i digress… for the start of this war was not so horrific.. more of the comedy type…

as my wonderful man started yet another normal day with me… enduring the overwhelming hormonal tidal wave i was riding…

why, that day did my brain flip out? and send me into a mini fit of despair… a swamp of self pity that as he’s taken the road to matrimony before it was not fair that i would not be his first and therefore not be special.. a stupid haunting thought, that despite objectively knowing how irrational it is… has haunted me the whole time.. knowing that one day, to make the crowds happy, it was a hoop we would jump through… i had no idea of his plans that day… i just had an overwhelming hormonal insanity and a wave of self pity that could put the worlds greatest whingers to shame! and i of course backed up this madness with further tears that i feared he did not love me as much as i loved him… all the while, one very patient man sat knowingly, declaring, if i only knew how much he loved me…

my “if only” now of course is.. if only i could turn off these silly meltdowns, and if only i wasnt a woman possessed by the demons of insecurity… and driven by the god of irrationality… but i again, i digress…

so stupid meltdown aside, one rather abashed laurie picks herself up and carries on for the day. aware that the schitzophrenic demons of my brain had failed me once more…and simply grateful to share the company of the man i adore and who (god knows how) seems to tolerate me…  a normal day… by anyones standards. lounging around, having a giggle… lets catch a movie…

suckerpunch to be precise.

rather quirky, dont even know that i recommend it… and after? resume to our normalness and continue our run of errands… as his folks had asked him to drop by and take care of their birds, it was of no alarm to me that we headed that way…

and as months of “i havent been up that lookout we should go there” foundations had been laid… it was still no warning when we decided we’d go there…

black, cold and wet taboot… but never one to back out of adventure… i embraced the idea of climbing the perilous wet staircase, through the spider infested bush to what would inevitably be a cloud covered view above…

i pitied my poor man as he bumped his head twice on the car door trying to get his “torch” and kissed his crown tenderly… poor guy, nearly as clumsy as me…

we climbed through the rain, up the steep mountain, ducking wet branches and laughing as we slipped over soggy cobblestones.

grateful that i’m not the girly girl attempting this in heels and glamozonian armour… infact, he was grateful that i am the type of girl to attempt it at all.

we reach the summit, a city of fairy lights twinkling below…

and of course our stubborness spawns the usual arguments… that is the airport… not that, it is a building.. this way is north.. that way is south…

a stone map we spy and hurry to it… to appease the confusion..

and as i focus on reading a map (herein i am very much the woman and do freely confess to **some** map interpretation difficulities) i do not notice as he slips to bended knee under the hazy wet sky in front of the twinkly sparkly fairy light city below…

and in true romance as i turn around to point out that i was in fact right with my compass directions i see him below me and i ask… “what are you doing?!”

he then asks me to marry him. to stand by his side through this life…

and my brain, still agog with the dawning realisation of the scene unfolding before me can only come up with the logical non girl reply of “are you for real?!”

eventually, like the rain drops that were beading on my nose, the reality finally formed in my brain kicking me back into the real world and embracing him with my overwhelming YES of course i will!!!!

and we stood there, wet and cold, yet buzzing with excitement.

until, a good 5 minutes later he humbly asked… “um, arent you even going to look at the ring.. or at the very least try it on!?”

i had completely forgotten the ring… for me, a life with him is the only prize i need.. no sparkly jewel can better the value of his hugs…

but as i slipped the customary circle of gold onto my finger the overwhelming wave of unruly emotion swept through me and the knee shaking took hold once more…

is this real? indeed… i still wonder.

when will i awake from this dream?

after a lifetime of getting it wrong this seems too good to be real… the man that god intended for me all along loves me as i love him. and we plan to face our fears of ceremony and declare that love and commitment to the world…

and thus, today here i sit. still agog as the events continue to unfold. still grateful for the one simple thing i need in my world. my sunshine and my reason. my ry.

and yet now, away from our own little fairy lit world, back in the cold light of day with the questions and the expectations… back where the fears can come and dump on me.. control me and turn me into that crazy banshee i loathe so much and yearn to be rid of all i need remember is one rainy night, on a lonely mountain top in the rain, the man i love told me he loved me back.

and with that in my heart i know, despite the panics, i’m going to get through this. i can get through anything.

always and ever.

l

I’ve hitchhiked on desolate country roads, tackled the himalayas with a sleazeball guide in tow, i’ve survived bug stew in central america, ridden horses, camels and elephants through every terrain, stared a cyclone in it’s eye, survived the perils of frozen snot in minus 42 degrees. I’ve eaten from the floor vendors in the markets of marrakech, and tried the mystery food on the stick in china, i’ve swum in the ganges and braved all of the world’s great oceans… but i truly feel this next journey is the one that scares me most.

the next journey is the one that no packing, no reading, no planning can truly prepare me for!

and yet, in a strange twist of fate, is a journey i have in fact traced with my footsteps time and again (ten times to be precise)… just never before was it my journey

that fairytale trek up the aisle of the church into one’s very own happily ever after…

so how does it come to pass, that a woman of the world, who at last has met her man and has been offered the key to the door of her every happiness instead of basking in nothing but glory instead becomes a quivering wreck of fear and emotion?

how is it… on this, the eve before my greatest life’s adventure, when my head should be high and my heart should be full do you find me squatting in the corner, a trembling steam train… a mangled wreck, a woman broken?

have the years of happiness of others rubbed off on me so sorely?

what’s wrong with me?

is this preliminary stage of panic normal or have i officially toppled over into the realms of quantifiable insanity!

he asked me.

i said yes.

there was no doubt, no hesitation.

he is the one, my only and my reason.

he is the sunshine in my world who makes the rainbows sparkle just with his reflection…

yet… i am a mess. a mess of fear, panic and anxiety!

herein we meet our greatest flaw… those years of holding the hands of my loved ones as they took this very same plunge…and those years of watching them drown and gurgle beneath the pressures to conform, to please, to do and all of a sudden the dream becomes a burden… it becomes the greatest weight to bare… it becomes the knowledge that, for the next few months, my every waking thought will be consumed with planning for an event that i have absolutely no hope of truly getting “right”.

if he is there and i am there what more do we need?

why do we need ceremony and farse at all in fact?? yet already it begins… the who, the where, the when the how… and worse… the costume.. behind which painted war mask and which armour will i present myself on this day to be judged by all around?

is it wrong to feel this way?

or is this a manifestation of a lifelong desire to please people and now being thrust into a situation where there are far too many parties to please i am faced with the decision… to sacrifice myself to please the greater good or for the first time to really turn my back on the perceived pressures from those around me and figure out what it is i truly want…

all i know is that the months ahead will be a journey of true self discovery. a challenge that i have no map for… and no matter how scared i am. how much i panic at the thought of not getting it right… i have the one simple truth already sorted. he will be there. so it already is right.

batten down the hatches world…

cyclone laurie, bridezilla, is on its way!

always.

l