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Category Archives: laurie the learner

Some people declare if they had their life over they would make no changes. Some people declare they have no regrets. Bullshit.

Everyone has moments in their life they wish they could have seen coming…made judgement calls that perhaps they should have better judged, or simply chosen to take the wrong road at the wrong time…

But what the winding paths of life are showing me…is that despite these regrets, despite those silly, often inconsequential things that somehow would change your life beyond all magnitude is one constant. You.

Lets face it. I have made some STUPID stupid decisions, and thankfully my regrets brought about by these in time are often minimal… i have also had some life events unfurl around me…seemingly oblivious of my role, my actions and my decisions that have altered the course of my life, my self, my beliefs forever and the worst, are those conscious choices we make at a crossroads in life that change direction forever… but the remaining constant in all this? Me. And given the chance to do it all again… i wouldn’t change. Not because of some altruistic belief that my life is perfect, that regret does not exist… but because despite the pain, the heartache or the ill that befalls, beneath it all… i am still, me. Those stupid hollywood moments, where you get the second chance and make the other decision cant truly exist…because even though those life changing events may have hinged on the simplest of choice… the red top or the green…at the end of the day i am still me and the decisions i made were still mine to make based on the very essence of me at that given time. Have i changed as a result of the crap that goes on around me? Maybe over time i developed a hardened exterior, but inside? Nope, still me. I am deeper than those inconsequential decisions that we lament and i am more than the sum of a few life changing moments. I am a core that is merely viewed at in different angles dependant on the direction of life at any given time.

I can look back now at the hurt the pain or the regret…i can wince at the agony of a dream destroyed…but would it have been any different given a second shot? Would i now be blissfully riding into the sunset? My inconsequential choices all added up to a state beyond my control. Even my conscious decisions have led to the spot that i am standing on right at this moment. But the fact is…those choices, those decisions…perhaps they are not as free willed as we thought.

I mean i wouldn’t wish the heartache on anyone…let alone feel to go through it again…yet despite my mind’s constant wonderings of “what if”… i have come to accept that the dream of what might have been is merely a futile search for a quick bandaid on a bleeding memory… what “might have been” truly cant have been for to do so would be selling out on myself, going against the soul and commencing a life as an entirely parallel person, who quite frankly i am not., my stupid daydreams of making a different choice and experiencing this far off utopia therefore are a wasted energy. There is no utopia. At the end of the day…whether you had to go through it all again or not..sometimes life just sucks.

So why then, knowing that sometimes…we just need to feel the hurt, that sometimes things simply will go wrong…why do we feel the need to lament and question what our role was in all of this?? On top of the pain that simply exists do we add salt by blaming ourselves and existing in the torturous state of…if only i’d done something different? Surely this self defeating, sadistic torture can be done away with if we purely accept that we are who we are and the decisions we made were made by us… that no amount of time machines would change us and that therefore..this is simply what life had in store…

And yet..in spite of my acceptance of this fate. And my knowledge now, that despite my “what if’s” the decisions i made would still weave their way into my fate do i still yearn for a life that is not mine?? For a world that can only exist in shattered dreams? For a dream that no longer exists?

And why…to further insult my quest in the search for zen does fate throw me constant reminders… repeats situations, in which only the external scenes, props and players have changed.

Why do my demons, those little trinkets that could have would have should have changed everything reemerge in a parallel situation, a parallel time…only to have me, inevitably make those same choices over again. Am i meant to have learnt something?? Make the hollywood change and reemerge with a whole new life? Or am i meant to know myself so profoundly that i am to accept the choices i made then, despite the pain, are still the choices i make today… thus merely confirming they were and therefore always will be, the right choice. For me.

Hollywood has a lot to answer for in my futile quest for perfection. Yet, given the chance to go back and do it all again, do i have regrets? Would i make the changes? Regrets yes, those are life…and we need to accept often they are beyond our control…but the changes? No? The only changes needed here is acceptance that time has passed and life rolls by…whether i am living it right now or not.

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hey crew….only a few more days..

thank you all for your support, kindness, patinece and friendship..

stay tuned as i take this travelling circus on the road.

missing you all already.

huge hugs.

always…..

laurie

in true metal style…. i havent even left the country yet and i have already managaed an a la dramtaic railway entrance….

ok….so maybe i am guilty of not being the most punctual person in the world…. i can admit that…. so when i take to the company of an even lesser punctual person than myself….you know disaster is looming….

and therefore…. as i prepared to trek cross country from a visit to my sister in canberra up to my parents in port stephens via a lunch stop in sydney with afore mentioned tardy person (all care of the ever so dependant public transport infrastructure) it was only natural that something would go wrong…

alarmingly, leg 1 of the trip was hassle free!! (save a few tears from an overly emotional laurie who is stocking up on kleenex for the next few days) in fact…the bus even got into sydney half an hour early!!! really, who does this happen to??

so standing in the lashing rain with my jumbo oversized over stuffed backpacks…waiting patiently for lunch date to arrive and dodging the splashes of stagnant festy gutter water being flicked up by the vehicles speeding past i was none the wiser that my supreme athletisism (as proven by the kayak debarcle) would again be put to the test…

a “healthy” breakfast/lunch of a pig’s worth of bacon, a dozen eggs scrambled and buttermilk waffles drizzled in delectable maple syrup later…and feeling full to the gills..i began the push to get to the station for impending train….

strike one…city traffic

strike two…lethargic lunch partner

strike three…slow clock…

eeeek!!

dripping in sweat as our car lurched painfully slowly through the oncoming onslaught of sydney traffic… managing to squirm sufficiently in my seat so as to be practically harnessed into my backpack before i did the bolt i did my sudden goodbyes and chose to leap at some convenient red lights…

backpack slung like santa’s sack over shoulders… carry bag of worldly goods causing biceps to bulge precariously grappled in right hand, ridiculously buldging handbag slung haphazardly over left shoulder….

run laurie run!!!!

up the slippery tiles from eddy ave nearing the corner to the first escalator when swoosh… airbourne toothbrush…it’s ok…grab it…keep running…bound up the escalator…jump over the little kids…push past the old guy….   halt. ticket window queue…. aaarrghh!!! try machine… newcastle not an available option…. rejoin ticket window queue in sweaty panicky mess..

1:10… train leaves at 1:15…

tick tick tick….

bless city rail for opting to have just one window attendant…seemingly the slowest they could muster, while two others tantalisingly stood by in the background scrathing their (… you know what) as i hop from one foot to the other…swearing mercilessly under my breath and causing people to back away and give the crazy homeless woman space….

but bless mankind…and karma strikes again…. and truly…no matter my rough exterior and seeming penchant for sticking both feet in my mouth (often simultaneously) i do believe i owe the world of mankind another good deed as the sweetest pair of older ladies (possibly offended by my at this stage total potty mouth)  asked whatever was the matter dear…. after my exasperated explanation that i needed to buy a ticket and be on the train at this stage in 3 minutes..they immediately set to work pleading my case to the fellow queue members….

and whoever may slag sydney for its cold impersonal exterior i bid you you are wrong… for all stood aside…as crazy hopping lady with oversized bags jumped queue to the front… to be met by apathetic ticket lady who in spite of my insistent pleas for a single to newcastle continued to count her 5 cent coins….

i think eventually the cheering of the gathered crowd behind me (somewhat akin to a football match barricking for the underdog) awoke said ticket lady and with ticket in hand, bags dripping off me and a giant “thank you” as i started the mad dash to the train… 1 minute and counting….

a 3 second fumble at the ticket machines i quickened the pace around the bend…even though my legs creaked and buckled under the weight of my bag like a semi trailer up a hill…. within sight of the train i quickened the pace as i sensed the platform crew doing their final checks before closing doors…and thats when it happened…

my haste to load myself with bags and neglect to ensure the bottom compartment was secured resulted in an almighty explosion of all my worldly goods… pj’s, shirts, dirty undies…cascading through the air in a backpack explosion like petals  caught in the breeze at a wedding….

i grabbed them…. like a woman possessed

and despite my limited arm capacity made the final dash for the train doors, spurred on by the ryhtmic chime of “ding ding ding…stand clear, doors closing” and leaped through the doorway just as they shut. backpack still on back, carry bag still firmly grasped in right hand, handbag still haphazardly slung on left shoulder and now arm full of belongings…..

and as the train pulled away, in unison to my own panting and heaving i confirmed…it was the right train… i was on the road to the next few days adventure….

and i even managed to get my breath back by the time i got there.

well hello esteemed regular readers (and even those of you who stumbled onto here by accident or who were unwittingly forced here by my persuasive emails..)

after years of breaking down computer systems the world over….. writing poorly constructed grammatically incorrect emails i have ventured even further out of my techno discomfort zone and am attempting the world of the “blog”…

for this you can blame my good friend (lets cool him “fate” my predictive text does) as he assures me he is more likely to read said lengthy emails when delivered in this form….

so the question then becomes…

what the hell is a blog?

what am i supposed to write??

presumably it’s like a web diary and i am to enthrall you all with my exhillarating day to day melodramas….

for today….this includes taking care of my oh-so-cute 2 year old nephew (not that i am at all biased!) who has single handedly thrown an entire cargo ship’s supply of matchbox cars over the neighbours fence followed by an almighty, everything wriggling, i’m tired and refuse to admit it temper tantrum.

in all…my day is going quite well…

anyways…am off jetsetting next week…so this is my trial run….

will keep you posted as more adventure unfolds.

hugs to all.

l