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ah, you’re pregnant. congratulations! you have the pregnant “glow”…

aka get me the friggin’ mylanta my heartburn is causing me to become a fire breathing dragon and if you dont turn the f%^$ing air conditioner on right now i swear to god i will incubate the devil himself to come and take you into hell, shortly after he removes your fingernails one by one with a pair of blunt rusty pliers…

 

but seriously, lets look at the journey that leads us to acquire that magical “glow”… and dont get me wrong, i know it’s a freaking hard slog and could soooo easily go wrong. i know there are women out there trying every possible variation of heart wrenching crazy just to get a glimpse of the dream whilst young teenagers seem to just sneeze and say oops… i could go down that tangent. but i wont. that is one road of heartache that requires a more sensitive approach than mine…

instead lets look at the broader path.

you are a woman. more particularly, you are a woman of a certain age… society feels the need to ask the question… sooooooo when are you having babies?

god forbid you are a woman of a certain age in any sort of relationship… or more sinfully, married… society therefore dictates you MUST have kids and of course if you dont, for whatever reason… there must be something seriously, very wrong…

so eventually, you cave… clearly i must have a baby… miracles occur and suddenly there is a second little heart beat echoing your own… awwww… how sweet…

then it’s that slowly growing gorgeous bump, that magical “glow” and all the excitement of setting up that postcard perfect nursery, right??

wroooooong (**bleeeeuuurrghhhh she says as she hocks up the dry cracker she has just eaten into the freshly disinfected toilet bowl for the fifteenth time that day, growing dizzy due to her heightened sense of smell accordingly going bananas at said disinfectant and therefore cracking her skull open as she head butts the toilet bowl in a particularly violent dry wretch that ensues..**)

ok, sure sure, so “morning sickness” isnt a secret…

but lets face it… its more than a quaint little folly that comes on like clockwork and leaves at the 12 week mark…

no… it is that constant on again, off again, could strike anywhere, anytime, all day nausea that prevents any sort of normal daily routines… or worse.. it doesn’t come… which of course means there must be something wrong, right!!?? yes, seriously… in a saddistic twist, the lack of feeling like death warmed up is even more evil than the constant throbbing head and unsaid desire to upchuck anything you have eaten because it of course opens the mind to the very scary, very real, very for the rest of your life “what if” merry go round…

what if something is wrong, what if the baby is sick, what if that champagne toast at last month’s wedding has destroyed the baby’s brain cells… oh god… i think i ate a ham sandwich in 1984, i m sure i have damaged the baby. what if what if what if… and yes folks… the little what if voice that starts as a whisper in those early days gains momentum, gains volume and becomes a screaming unstoppable demon by labour!! and in my experience, only gets angrier, louder and all the more insistent since birth…

so somewhere between omg i can’t eat anything and omg feed me, feed me now!!!! that cute little bump (and it’s accompanying “what if” voice, becomes a screaming, raging, uncontrollable beast… a beast that starts to consume your body like the parasite from the movie “Aliens”… in fact, i am more convinced than ever that that scene where the alien erupts from the chest cavity, oozing goo and in a chorus of gut wrenching screams is in fact just your average labour video…  (why the hell do people video record their labour anyways?? future torture plans perhaps? they want to see what they look like in excruciating pain so as to gauge how they may look at their moment of death?? blackmail material? future contraceptive??  no, i wont go into that debate right now either…)

then there is the waddle, the cankles, the sweating, the profuse sweating, the really gross omg i cant believe i sweated THERE crazy profuse sweating, the need to pee, the effort to go to the toilet only to relieve two drops and need to pee again in another 17 minutes, the no sleeping, the omg i am so tired i may never wake up again need to sleep, the can’t sleep this side, cant sleep that side, oh screw this i just cant get comfy i might go eat something, the oh crap i shouldnt have eaten that its repeating on me, the i have NOTHING to wear, the where are my feet?? seriously, where are they… i havent seen them for weeks… are they still there… the… i better tidy up downstairs – the oh crap, i cant even see downstairs let alone reach it… – ouch! oh crap oh crap oh crap…

yup… of course you’re glowing…

there is no greater journey…

enjoy the ride kids! 😉

 

the glamorous glow just gets better with every passing week...

the glamorous glow just gets better with every passing week…

30 weeks compared

 

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