I’ve hitchhiked on desolate country roads, tackled the himalayas with a sleazeball guide in tow, i’ve survived bug stew in central america, ridden horses, camels and elephants through every terrain, stared a cyclone in it’s eye, survived the perils of frozen snot in minus 42 degrees. I’ve eaten from the floor vendors in the markets of marrakech, and tried the mystery food on the stick in china, i’ve swum in the ganges and braved all of the world’s great oceans… but i truly feel this next journey is the one that scares me most.
the next journey is the one that no packing, no reading, no planning can truly prepare me for!
and yet, in a strange twist of fate, is a journey i have in fact traced with my footsteps time and again (ten times to be precise)… just never before was it my journey
that fairytale trek up the aisle of the church into one’s very own happily ever after…
so how does it come to pass, that a woman of the world, who at last has met her man and has been offered the key to the door of her every happiness instead of basking in nothing but glory instead becomes a quivering wreck of fear and emotion?
how is it… on this, the eve before my greatest life’s adventure, when my head should be high and my heart should be full do you find me squatting in the corner, a trembling steam train… a mangled wreck, a woman broken?
have the years of happiness of others rubbed off on me so sorely?
what’s wrong with me?
is this preliminary stage of panic normal or have i officially toppled over into the realms of quantifiable insanity!
he asked me.
i said yes.
there was no doubt, no hesitation.
he is the one, my only and my reason.
he is the sunshine in my world who makes the rainbows sparkle just with his reflection…
yet… i am a mess. a mess of fear, panic and anxiety!
herein we meet our greatest flaw… those years of holding the hands of my loved ones as they took this very same plunge…and those years of watching them drown and gurgle beneath the pressures to conform, to please, to do and all of a sudden the dream becomes a burden… it becomes the greatest weight to bare… it becomes the knowledge that, for the next few months, my every waking thought will be consumed with planning for an event that i have absolutely no hope of truly getting “right”.
if he is there and i am there what more do we need?
why do we need ceremony and farse at all in fact?? yet already it begins… the who, the where, the when the how… and worse… the costume.. behind which painted war mask and which armour will i present myself on this day to be judged by all around?
is it wrong to feel this way?
or is this a manifestation of a lifelong desire to please people and now being thrust into a situation where there are far too many parties to please i am faced with the decision… to sacrifice myself to please the greater good or for the first time to really turn my back on the perceived pressures from those around me and figure out what it is i truly want…
all i know is that the months ahead will be a journey of true self discovery. a challenge that i have no map for… and no matter how scared i am. how much i panic at the thought of not getting it right… i have the one simple truth already sorted. he will be there. so it already is right.
batten down the hatches world…
cyclone laurie, bridezilla, is on its way!
always.
l
4 Comments
You should take the time to find out it is you want then do it. I for one fully support you on that. It is your day. But I have to say that day while nice is a blip on the radar. What matters is everything after that day. If the day is a disaster it does not change your relationship.
Oh and I forgot to add, for me at least the panic was a major part of it all particularly just after the engagement. Not everyone will be the same but you and I are similar in those kinds of reactions!
Baby sis. I think you already know the answer. All the important poeple will celebrate your unique style, and all the ones who get snooty aren’t worth it anyway.
Plus, what Lucy said is right.
xx
The day is your and Ryan’s do do what is right for you! There is no way you can please everyone and 50 bridesmaids is not a good look! Do what you two feel is right for you and all your friends and family will share in your joy and happiness. It’s the years to follow that will mean the most.