so the panics continue as the overwhelming list of to do tasks starts to build and snowball into the impending avalanche and one still finds ones self in that numb phase of “is this all real”??
and is it?? yes, yes it is…
and how did it happen? well, there is a tale of it’s own… one that reflects who truly naive i am and how somewhere in this lifetime my girl gene must have got broken..as somehow i escaped the ability to recieve a proposal with class and decorum…and most certainly i had NO idea about what i possibly want for the big day. like seriously. none.
so the questions already firing away from every camp of where, when, colour and theme?? my response is… well, usually outwardly a blank stare.. inwardly??? a bloodied scene from a WW2 movie with schrapnel flying and limbs exploding in a twisted black and white wreckage of confusion, panic and utter fear!
but i digress… for the start of this war was not so horrific.. more of the comedy type…
as my wonderful man started yet another normal day with me… enduring the overwhelming hormonal tidal wave i was riding…
why, that day did my brain flip out? and send me into a mini fit of despair… a swamp of self pity that as he’s taken the road to matrimony before it was not fair that i would not be his first and therefore not be special.. a stupid haunting thought, that despite objectively knowing how irrational it is… has haunted me the whole time.. knowing that one day, to make the crowds happy, it was a hoop we would jump through… i had no idea of his plans that day… i just had an overwhelming hormonal insanity and a wave of self pity that could put the worlds greatest whingers to shame! and i of course backed up this madness with further tears that i feared he did not love me as much as i loved him… all the while, one very patient man sat knowingly, declaring, if i only knew how much he loved me…
my “if only” now of course is.. if only i could turn off these silly meltdowns, and if only i wasnt a woman possessed by the demons of insecurity… and driven by the god of irrationality… but i again, i digress…
so stupid meltdown aside, one rather abashed laurie picks herself up and carries on for the day. aware that the schitzophrenic demons of my brain had failed me once more…and simply grateful to share the company of the man i adore and who (god knows how) seems to tolerate me… a normal day… by anyones standards. lounging around, having a giggle… lets catch a movie…
suckerpunch to be precise.
rather quirky, dont even know that i recommend it… and after? resume to our normalness and continue our run of errands… as his folks had asked him to drop by and take care of their birds, it was of no alarm to me that we headed that way…
and as months of “i havent been up that lookout we should go there” foundations had been laid… it was still no warning when we decided we’d go there…
black, cold and wet taboot… but never one to back out of adventure… i embraced the idea of climbing the perilous wet staircase, through the spider infested bush to what would inevitably be a cloud covered view above…
i pitied my poor man as he bumped his head twice on the car door trying to get his “torch” and kissed his crown tenderly… poor guy, nearly as clumsy as me…
we climbed through the rain, up the steep mountain, ducking wet branches and laughing as we slipped over soggy cobblestones.
grateful that i’m not the girly girl attempting this in heels and glamozonian armour… infact, he was grateful that i am the type of girl to attempt it at all.
we reach the summit, a city of fairy lights twinkling below…
and of course our stubborness spawns the usual arguments… that is the airport… not that, it is a building.. this way is north.. that way is south…
a stone map we spy and hurry to it… to appease the confusion..
and as i focus on reading a map (herein i am very much the woman and do freely confess to **some** map interpretation difficulities) i do not notice as he slips to bended knee under the hazy wet sky in front of the twinkly sparkly fairy light city below…
and in true romance as i turn around to point out that i was in fact right with my compass directions i see him below me and i ask… “what are you doing?!”
he then asks me to marry him. to stand by his side through this life…
and my brain, still agog with the dawning realisation of the scene unfolding before me can only come up with the logical non girl reply of “are you for real?!”
eventually, like the rain drops that were beading on my nose, the reality finally formed in my brain kicking me back into the real world and embracing him with my overwhelming YES of course i will!!!!
and we stood there, wet and cold, yet buzzing with excitement.
until, a good 5 minutes later he humbly asked… “um, arent you even going to look at the ring.. or at the very least try it on!?”
i had completely forgotten the ring… for me, a life with him is the only prize i need.. no sparkly jewel can better the value of his hugs…
but as i slipped the customary circle of gold onto my finger the overwhelming wave of unruly emotion swept through me and the knee shaking took hold once more…
is this real? indeed… i still wonder.
when will i awake from this dream?
after a lifetime of getting it wrong this seems too good to be real… the man that god intended for me all along loves me as i love him. and we plan to face our fears of ceremony and declare that love and commitment to the world…
and thus, today here i sit. still agog as the events continue to unfold. still grateful for the one simple thing i need in my world. my sunshine and my reason. my ry.
and yet now, away from our own little fairy lit world, back in the cold light of day with the questions and the expectations… back where the fears can come and dump on me.. control me and turn me into that crazy banshee i loathe so much and yearn to be rid of all i need remember is one rainy night, on a lonely mountain top in the rain, the man i love told me he loved me back.
and with that in my heart i know, despite the panics, i’m going to get through this. i can get through anything.
always and ever.
l
